The True Cost of Assumptions & Unchecked Narratives
How the stories we tell ourselves, and the presumptions we make create unnecessary stress, miscommunications and hurdles, and impact relationships.
Recently I received a powerful reminder of the dangers of making assumptions. We all do it – construct stories in our heads, constantly shaping our perceptions. While sometimes helpful, these narratives can often create biases and blind spots, distorting our understanding of situations and people.
This happened to me recently while catching up with a former colleague and close friend. Our relationship has always been based on shared humor and navigating very challenging times together at work. I had assumed they weren't happy in their current role based on their occasional venting about work and some of our shared experiences. As a result, my perception colored the conversation towards what I assumed to be their dissatisfaction with the role.
"I think I've given you this impression that I'm not happy about this role, but that's not the case,” they said.
In fact, they love their job, feel valued, resourceful, and respected – all of which are true. It turned out their venting sessions were just a healthy way to de-stress, and not a reflection of their actual role satisfaction. I was shocked, relieved, surprised, and honestly so excited and happy for them.
Sharing this experience highlights the impact of our assumptions. They can color our moods, shape our interactions, and even trigger negative responses.
By pausing, asking clarifying questions, and acknowledging the potential for self-generated narratives, we can avoid these pitfalls.
We've all been there. You see a colleague looking stressed and assume they're unhappy with you, only to find out they're dealing with a personal issue. Or, you hear a team member disagree with your idea and instantly assume they're being difficult or dislike you, when their real intention was simply to offer a different perspective.
These scenarios are perfect examples of how making assumptions can be detrimental to effective working relationships, and frankly personal relationships too.
While they may seem harmless on the surface, the assumptions you make or the narratives you create, can lead to a domino effect of consequences, hindering communication, leading to poor decisions, and ultimately impacting your effectiveness as a leader, teammate, friend, or partner.
So what's the cost?:
1. Creating undue personal stress (the most common outcome): An email from a supervisor containing constructive feedback might trigger an internal narrative of inadequacy or incompetence, leading an individual to assume they're on the brink of losing their job. This assumption fuels stress, hindering productivity and clouding judgment. A missed call from a friend might evoke a narrative of rejection, prompting assumptions about strained relationships or perceived slights, intensifying stress unnecessarily. By recognizing and reframing these self-narratives and assumptions, individuals can alleviate these negative feelings and unnecessary stress.
2. Miscommunication and Misunderstandings: When we make assumptions, we fill in gaps of information with our own interpretation of what’s happening, often leading to those distorted or colored perceptions. This can result in misinterpreting someone's words or actions, creating unnecessary tension and conflict, or adding personal stress or negative energy for yourself. For instance, if a colleague is constantly asking questions during a meeting, you might assume they are not prepared or may not be paying attention, when they might be actively trying to understand the topic better, contribute their perspective, or clarify potential roadblocks. Or a coworker being short with you, you might assume they are angry with you or dislike you, when really they just had a very tough conversation with a family member, or additional work added to their plate.
3. Strained Personal Relationships: Assumptions can negatively impact personal relationships as well. Imagine you find out one of your friends didn't invite you to lunch with a group because they assumed you wouldn't be interested. Meanwhile you might have been enthusiastic about joining. This misinterpretation could lead to feelings of insecurity or exclusion, potentially damaging the friendship. What is a different possible narrative that may apply here?
4. Ineffective Problem-Solving: Starting with faulty assumptions can lead you down the wrong path when trying to solve problems. This can waste valuable time and resources, and ultimately leave the root cause of the problem unaddressed. This is a soft-skills version of "bad data in = bad data out". For example, imagine a team experiencing a decline in sales. Instead of objectively analyzing market trends, they might assume that a new competitor is stealing their customers and form the wrong solution.
5. Bias and Stereotyping: Assumptions often stem from unconscious biases, leading to unfair treatment and limiting opportunities for others. A leader who assumes someone is incapable based on their age, gender, or background sets limitations before even giving them a chance. This is important to keep in mind as we see newer, more diverse generations entering the workforce.
6. Poor Decision-Making: Basing decisions on assumptions, rather than verified facts and evidence, exposes you to the risk of making choices that are ineffective, or worse even harmful. Imagine launching a marketing campaign without proper research, based on assumptions about your target audiences preferences.
7. Missed Opportunities: Making assumptions can cause you to miss out on valuable opportunities. Someone may hesitate to apply for a promotion due to the assumption they wouldn't be qualified (imposter syndrome anyone?), or a leader may miss out on a talented candidate due to preconceived notions about their skills. For instance, if a hiring manager overlooks your application because your experience or title doesn’t showcase the specific task or skill, they may be missing out on skills that would bring diverse, innovative value to the team.
Breaking the Cycle:
Fortunately, there are steps we can take to become more aware of our assumptions and mitigate their negative impact:
· Practice active listening: Stay present and pay attention to what others are saying, both verbally and nonverbally. Listen for insights. This helps you gather all the information before forming conclusions.
· Ask clarifying questions: Don't be afraid to ask questions to gain a clearer understanding of a situation or someone's perspective. Seeking clarification can prevent misinterpretations and foster better communication. “Tell me more about…”
· Avoid making up stories in your head: The stories we create in our head are often tainted by our own perception filters or “goggles”. Try removing the goggles to see the situation for what it is, rather than what you interpret it to be. When you do make stories up in your head, try to build a habit of asking yourself, “what could be an alternative story here that is more objective?”
· Be mindful of your own biases: We all have them, so it's crucial to acknowledge your personal biases and how they might influence your assumptions. This includes relying on your past experiences to inform your perception.
· Seek diverse perspectives: Surrounding yourself with individuals from various backgrounds and experiences can help you broaden your perspective and challenge your assumptions.
Bottom line: Removing your own narrative, double checking your assumptions, and asking yourself, “what else could go be going on here?”, can foster better communication, reduce your stressors or negative feelings towards a situation, help make informed decisions, and create a more inclusive and productive environment for ourselves, our relationships, and our teams.
Remember to check your perceptions and remove those goggles that are filtering how you should feel or act towards the situation. Practice seeing things objectively and operate under the assumption that nobody is of ill-intent.
Need more examples of how assumptions might show up in your life?
Work-related:
1. Your colleague declines your invitation for lunch. Assumption: They are trying to avoid you or don't want to socialize. Alternative: They might be busy with deadlines, have a prior commitment, or simply prefer to eat lunch alone.
2. A colleague takes credit for someone else's work. Assumption: They are intentionally trying to steal the spotlight. Alternative: They might have genuinely misunderstood the contribution dynamics or might be trying to compensate for a perceived weakness in their own performance.
3. A colleague seems disengaged during a brainstorming session. Assumption: They are not interested in the project or don't have any ideas to contribute. Alternative: They might be introverted and prefer to process information before speaking up, or they might be observing and gathering information before formulating their thoughts.
Personal Life:
1. Your partner is quiet and withdrawn during dinner. Assumption: They are upset with you. Alternative: They might be tired, stressed about something unrelated to you, or simply lost in thought.
2. Your friend cancels plans at the last minute. Assumption: They don't value your friendship or are flaky. Alternative: They might have experienced a sudden emergency, forgotten about the plans due to a stressful situation, or are simply feeling overwhelmed and need some time alone.
3. Your family member expresses a different opinion than yours. Assumption: They don't respect your viewpoint or are trying to start an argument. Alternative: They might simply be sharing their perspective in a healthy discussion, or they might have genuine concerns they want to express for your consideration.